Hash Cakes and Helium
by FranzFerdinandLives
Summary: What ahppens when the Gboys stay in for the night...with some helium and some cannabis! Rated R for multiple sexual gags and some v.weird behavior. Yaoi! 2X3X4X5!


Hash Cakes and Helium.  
  
Summary: Ah, Ok, SEVERE daftness warning! Just a stupid account of what happens when the pilots get their hands on cannabis cakes and a canister of Helium. Rated R for sexual references and Wufei giggling. Yaoi! 2X3X4X5!  
  
Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own Gundam Wing or any of it's characters, but I hope someone who write the comic is reading this! Please?  
  
Ahem, on with the fic.  
  
Trowa is spread-eagled on the sofa. Heero had gone out earlier that evening, Wufei was taking a nap, and Quatre and Duo had got bored, and gone shopping to find something to do. Trowa sighs, content with the peace, when:  
  
Duo and Quatre: WE GOT HELIUM!!!  
  
Trowa: Helium?!  
  
Duo: Yeah! You know, that gas that makes your voice go really high.  
  
Trowa raises his eyebrows but says nothing.  
  
Quatre: Aww, go on! It'll be fun!  
  
True to his predictions, five minutes later the three boys are lying across each other helpless with laughter, their voices at that unique pitch which can only be reached using helium (or a kick in the balls, but let's face it, who laughs when they get kicked in the balls?)  
  
Duo: *on helium* Let's make cakes! *Giggles*  
  
Trowa: *Giggles too * but we don't have a cake mix!  
  
Duo: I Bought some! *lifts out a dodgy looking brown thing *  
  
Quatre: *Shocked * Duo! That's cannabis!  
  
Duo: Ah Chill, it's harmless!  
  
Another 10 minutes later, Wufei emerges from his bedroom to find the other three giggling over newly baked hash cakes.  
  
Wufei: You're weak!  
  
Duo: Uh-huh?  
  
Trowa glances at Quatre. Quatre glances back to Trowa and both look at Duo, who nods.  
  
Duo: GET HIM!!!!!  
  
Trowa, Quatre and Duo rugby tackle Wufei and stuff several cakes into his mouth and force him to eat. Then cue hysterical laughing. Another twenty minutes later, the pilots are looking each other, stone-cold sober, across the living room.  
  
Trowa: Nothings happening.  
  
Wufei: I noticed.  
  
Another period of silence. Quatre looks at Duo strangely.  
  
Quatre: Duo, you're a big pink fluffy rabbit!  
  
Duo and Quatre laugh, Trowa giggles, and even Wufei smiles. In fact, Duo laughs so hard he almost knocks a rare and beautiful vase off the table.  
  
Quatre: *still giggling * Duo, mind the vase!  
  
Duo: What vase?  
  
Wufei: Timmy the vase.  
  
Duo: Ok! But isn't he lonely?  
  
Trowa: *Not quite as stoned as everybody else * ?!  
  
Wufei: Yeah, there should be a girlfriend and lots of little vaslettas!  
  
Copious amounts of giggling takes place. Incidentally, the only thing that passed through the vase's mind was "I'm filing for divorce!!" If we knew exactly why the vase thought this, we would probably know a whole lot more about the universe. Trowa begins to stagger into the kitchen, but stops in horror.  
  
Trowa: Treize! He's come back to haunt us!  
  
Duo: He's very thin. Can you eat when you're dead?  
  
Quatre: And his hair's all stiff and spiky.  
  
Wufei: He's broom-Treize!  
  
*Giggling *  
  
Quatre: You basket-case, Trowa!  
  
In the background, the song by Greenday begins to play.  
  
"Sometimes I give myself the creeps. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. It all keeps adding up I think I'm cracking up! Am I just Paranoid? Or am I stoned?"  
  
Trowa: I'm not stoned!  
  
He goes to sit on the couch, but completely misses and lands arse-first, anime-style on the floor, still giggling.  
  
Trowa: I'm not, I swear!  
  
You wanna bet, Trowa?  
  
Trowa: Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit!  
  
Ah, shut up, wonky hair!  
  
Wonky-hair: Hmph! *reads his name * Hey!  
  
Quatre: Leave Trowa alone!  
  
What if I don't want to?  
  
Quatre: Then go crawl into one of you plotholes, lardass!  
  
Fine! Fairyboy! Believing he's won the battle, Fairyboy turns to Wonky-Hair and starts making out. Duo, feeling left-out, turns to a far-too-stoned-to-care Wufei and does the same. Push comes to shove and soon pieces of clothing are littering the floor. Yet meanwhile, outside.  
  
Heero and Relena stop at the door, smiling shyly at one another.  
  
Relena: I had a great time tonight.  
  
Heero: me too *takes a deep breath * do you want to come in for a coffee?  
  
Relena: Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that.  
  
Heero smiles and opnes the door, but stops at the sight of his pals in various states of undress, in one large twisted orgy. He slams the door and looks at Relena.  
  
Heero: You don't want to see in there(!).  
  
Relena: *smiling * Heero, nothing you could do can shock-  
  
She opens the door, stops and stares, her mouth open and her eyes huge. Then she too slams the door.  
  
Relena: you're right, I didn't want to see that.  
  
Awkward silence.  
  
Relena: My place?  
  
Heero: *quickly * yeah sure!  
  
Back inside the apartment. The situation has got very raunchy, and the couples have got into the sorts of activities I don't want to mention to keep this rating below NC-17. Duo and Wufei are rolling about on the dining table, while Wonky-hair and Fairyboy-  
  
Fairyboy: *scowling * Jess!  
  
Fine! Trowa and Quatre are nestled behind the sofa doing the sorts of things you can see on late night channel four, not that I watch it-  
  
Trowa: Do you mind? I'm *trying * to screw Quatre here!  
  
For some *ahem * strange reason, Timmy the vase flies up and smacks Trowa on the back of the head. And so to avoid any further sexual descriptions, and possibly and replying vase from Trowa, we'll cut to the next morning.  
  
The Gundam pilots lie next to each other, one pile of limbs and G-strings. Yep, you guys heard right, they were all wearing g-strings, and nothing but g-strings. All awake, groaning. They pull apart and look at each other.  
  
Wufei: No one else remembers what happened last night, do they?  
  
Duo: 'Fraid so, sugapuff!  
  
Trowa and Quatre nod, giggling.  
  
Wufei: *now panicked * well forget it! None of it ever took place! It-must-never-leave-this-room!  
  
At that point, Heero walks in, shirt untucked, jacket over his shoulder, singing "My Girl" to himself and pulling off the occasional Fred Astaire- style dance step. The other pilots stop and stare.  
  
Heero: hey Guys! *Takes another step and then double takes * Er, what exactly went on here last night?  
  
Wufei: *way too quickly * none of us remember!  
  
Suspicious silence.  
  
Trowa: Heero? You're, uh, flying loose.  
  
A flush appearing on his cheeks, Heero quickly adjusts the wayward zip.  
  
Duo: *conspirator's grin appearing * so what did you and Relena do last night, then, Buddy?  
  
Heero doesn't answer.  
  
Duo: you made luuuuuurve, didn't you?  
  
Heero: Well, what if I did?  
  
Quatre: *cheekily * so how was she, Heero?  
  
Heero: *aghast * I'm NOT answering that!  
  
Duo: Bet she wasn't as good as Wufei.  
  
One hell of a silence.  
  
Heero: Not as g-good as. Wufei?  
  
Wufei passes out at Trowa Quatre and Duo have hysterics.  
  
Quatre: I don't know, Duo, I liked Trowa best!  
  
Heero: Best? *sits down so hard tat chair topples beneath him. * You mean you guys- took turns?!  
  
At this point, Wufei regains conciousness.  
  
Wufei: you complete DUMBASS! You utter American-American BAKA!  
  
Duo: What did you call me?!  
  
Wufei: BAKA! Baka! Yes, I said it!  
  
Duo punches Wufei squarely in the nose, sending him sprawling.  
  
Duo: Who's the Baka now? U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-YEEEOW!  
  
Duo crumples ad Wufei's heel catches him in the groin. He spwals as the other other foot hits him in the face. Wufei then straddles him and proceeds to beat the living daylights out of him. In vain, Duo tries to fight back by yanking on Wufei's ponytail, which only results and a harder yank on his plait and a couple of bitchslaps from Wufei. Quatre, ever the peacmaker, tries to pull them apart, but is distracted quickly by Trowa standing seductively in the doorway of the bedroom. Quatre is in his arms and deep kissing before they've even closed the door. Meanwhile, Heero, watching the annihilation of Duo and hearing animal sounds coming from the bedroom, scrambles to his feet and sprints to the door. Once safely on the other side, he sags against it.  
  
Heero: Good god! I've got to tell someone! *picks up cellphone * Relena? You will not believe what just happened.  
  
A few minutes later.  
  
Relena: Zechs, you will not believe what happened last night  
  
Another few minutes.  
  
Zechs: Noin? I have to tell you. You will never guess what happened last night.  
  
Yet another few minutes.  
  
Noin: Catherine? Ooh, you have to know what your brother did last night.  
  
A few minutes after that.  
  
Catherine: Sally Po? You have got to hear this! Guess what happened last night.  
  
Another gap.  
  
Sally Po: Hilde? Gossip of the year! Do you know what the Gundam pilots were up to last night?  
  
Yet another gap.  
  
Hilde: Lady Une? I just have to pass this on! Have you heard what went on last night?  
  
One last gap.  
  
Lady Une: Hello? Is this the local medium and clairvoyant?.ah yes, I'd like to pass on a message to the other side.uh-huh.Treize Kushrenada.uh- huh.uh-huh.and you'll pass it on?.uh-huh. Well, here goes. Mr Treize? Sorry for disturbing your eternal rest, sir, but I have to tell you this. Well, last night, the Gundam pilots did some pretty amazing stuff. 


End file.
